It's difficult being fallible.
Last week I went to see my Doctor, both to get the results of my yearly blood tests, and also to talk to her about my life for the past six (or so) months. I had composed a Memo in my Blackberry, a list I'd made of everything I've been experiencing or feeling recently. One item that wasn't on this list was how I've been avoiding my own blog, my friend's blogs; eschewing them completely and having an internet affair with animal grooming websites. And yet I'm writing this because it seems that my avoidance of my own, personal journal is highly symbolic of the avoidance game I've been playing with my very life for the past several months.
And oh, how I've wanted to step from under this mantle of shame and just tell you, the people who would probably understand best. But I am, after all, my worst critic and the self-flagellation I'd imposed wouldn't let me.
Until last week, when I sat in front of my Doctor, looked into her ever compassionate eyes, and read this list:
- I used to be an insomniac; three hours a night was my norm and I'd jump out of bed the next morning refreshed. Since the beginning of this year, my sleeping patterns have flipped a complete 360: I sleep ten hours a night and am exhausted the next day. I have a hard time not falling asleep in the car when I am driving home from work!
- I have been sick more this year than I've been my entire life.
- I've gained a massive amount of weight. A shameful amount of weight. My feet often feel swollen too...is it fat or something else?
- I have no motivation. I've lost interest in activities that I used to love, like swimming and walking and gardening.
- When I lay in bed at night, my heart pounds out a series of irregular beats and for a moment I feel breathless. Until it stops. And starts up again...
- I'm extremely irritable, with frequent mood swings. One minute I am the bitchiest bitch from hell, the next I am a sobbing pile of oh-woe in the corner of the room.
- Something felt wrong with my life so I CHOPPED my hair off. I, who am well known for my over analyzing of choices, made an appointment out of the blue and a week later was practically bald. It's a small thing, but significant.
- I have night sweats every night, so badly that I've taken to washing my bedding almost daily.
- Hot flashes. I swear, I feel like I'm menopausal. I cook at night (thus the night sweats?) and freeze during the day.
We had briefly discussed a few of these issues during my appointment prior to the blood work, and had decided to do the standing blood panels that I get yearly....which are supposed to include thyroid. Given that my Grandmother has hypothyroidism, my Mom has Grave's disease and I have an autoimmune disorder, thyroid is something my doctor checks regularly. This one, for some reason, had been missed. I'd also spoken to my doctor about the difficulties I've been having over the past three-ish months with BG's that just Won't Go Down (they've been running consistently in the 8 - 9 mmol range, with excursions above 12 which is almost unheard of for me!) in spite of a 40% increase of my TDD and a recheck of all basal/bolus/correction ratios, and an exponentially horrible standard deviation. During that initial visit, we suspected infection, thyroid or the endometriosis. Even stress came up, and of course there's the whole cocktail of it all.
So when I went back for my follow-up appointment last week, I was expecting an answer to the Thyroid question and a slight elevation in my A1c.What I did have was no thyroid results, and the worst A1c that I've had in more years than I can ever remember, with the double-whammy of a huge, off the chart increase (my last yearly A1c was in the upper 5's).
This year's A1c: 7.6.
I don't like seeing that number here. It's amazing that a simple number can inspire these feelings of loathing and shame.
I feel like a failure.
How on earth did it take getting to this point, being this unhealthy, to finally get my ass kicked into doing something about it? How could I have been so Stupid?? Of course I feel like crap, of course I sleep more, my A1c rose by 2% within a span of Months! That A1c is telling me that, for at least the past three months, my average BG has been 10.7. Ten point Seven. It's no wonder I have a litany of issues right now.
But you know what? I'm not a failure. OK, so I screwed up somehow. I let a small weight problem become a huge weight problem because I did nothing about it to begin with. Fine, I dropped the ball for once in my life. I did nothing about my overly-stressful job because I was too worried about the economy. I didn't ask for help months ago, when I should have. Fine. Because I can fix all of it.
So I joined Sparkpeople. Right now I have two priorities: get the BG's under control and start eating healthier (ie: kill two birds with one stone!). And I discovered that I didn't have any eating habits left except one: Eat anything I want in excessive amounts. And while I was busy figuring that out, I stumbled upon a pretty significant problem: I haven't been counting carbs correctly. I got lazy and figured I was so old hand, I didn't need to check myself. Big mistake.
OK, so I screwed that up too. But I can fix it, I've already started fixing it. And I'm happy to say that on Friday, my first official day of checking the nutritional values of my meals/snacks, I averaged a 6.2. All Day. I've also eaten over 5 vegetables every day since Friday and burned over 600 calories to date doing cardio! Gratuitous Plug: Sparkpeople is the best healthy lifestyle website I've ever seen! I've started looking for a new job, something closer to home and a good deal less stressful. I want to be happy again. I have a job interview lined up for next week, and I'm remaining hopeful that even if this one doesn't work out, someone else will be interested in me. I start Grooming school next month and it is the bright lining on the horizon, something to look forward to when I'm feeling down.
It's going to take time, nothing's going to be fixed tomorrow, but I'll do it. And in the meantime, I'll try to forgive myself for my mistakes.
And I'll try to remember that I'm just human.
